Jo Ann's Friends: A Blog Entry About Lost and Restored Friendships

During the COVID-19 Stay-At-Home and Safer-At-Home time, I took the time to reach out to friends and family. I think about people and that's my way.

I was so, so sad when I reached out that one particular "friend" flat out told me she was going through some life transitions and no longer wished to interact with me. She told me to not take it personally, but I have gone through a grieving process since.

I have done some thinking during this grieving process. Why did I grieve? Why do I care? I have so many other friends...I don't need her in my life if she doesn't want me in it.

I went back through my life and realize that every time I lose someone's friendship, I have grieved. And...wow...this goes back to elementary school and junior high school! So...maybe the reason I grieve is that I'm still that little girl, pre-teen, or teen who was once flat out told, "I don't want you in my life" or "I don't need you in my life."

Perhaps this blog post is a ramble, but I am going to travel back in time and list some of the friendships I lost. The fact that I can remember every lost friendship makes me realize how hard these losses have affected my being and soul.

Elementary School:

In 5th Grade, at Bellagio Road School in Belair, California, I had two close friends. One was Jan Altman and the other was Diane Funston. The fact that I remember their names is extraordinary in my opinion since our friendship took place in 1965, but their friendship was important to me. The three of us were a happy trio. I remember going to sleepovers at Jan's house.

That friendship should have continued, but Jan and Diane were scheduled to go to a different junior high school than me and I thought in advance that I should get myself a group of friends before I began Emerson Junior High School, so in 6th Grade, I started hanging out with a new neighbor who lived across the street from me named Fredi Diamond. She had just moved to the neighborhood and welcomed my friendship. I wanted to be her friend since some of the fiction books I read described friendships of girls who lived next door to one another or across the street.

Fredi was a really nice girl who seemed to never get in trouble like my friends Jan and Diane. Her type did not mix with their types, so my friendship with Jan and Diane ended in favor of Fredi. I didn't want to lose Jan or Diane, but they were angry at me for being friends with Fredi. It hurt me to lose them. I have a memory of them turning their backs on me during recess on the playground and I don't believe we ever interacted again.

The thing was that two other girls (Valerie Temple and Evie Rischal) in my 6th grade class also became Fredi's friends, so we became a foursome although I don't think either Evie and Valerie really wanted me as their friend. Fredi was really the center of our little group.

Junior High School

When the four of us moved on to Emerson Junior High, I thought I had a friendship network set up, but soon after Junior High began, Fredi told us that at the new school she wanted new friendships.

The three of us took that news hard and went our separate ways. I have this vague memory of following Fredi around the schoolyard before she finally turned around and told us she was moving on. We were shocked I recall. For 12 year olds, news like this was devastating.

(Note: Many years later, I reunited with Fredi via Facebook and in March of 2019, we met in front of the houses we once lived at in Belair as we remembered our homes and our lives as kids. She and I exchanged some texts after and both agreed we had lived wonderful lives. That reunion with Fredi meant so much to me.)

I had to find new friends since eating lunch alone in junior high school was considered a way to be made fun of by others. Even being seen alone at lunchtime could cause ridicule.

There was a girl named Lynn who was a loner at Emerson. She was always eating by herself, so I thought perhaps she needed a friend and she welcomed me into her life. I don't remember what we had in common, but we began eating lunch together away from the ridiculing crowds.

As the school year passed, all of a sudden, one day, Lynn started avoiding me. I didn't know what I did to cause her to do that, so on a Saturday afternoon during one of my lonely weekends from my parents' Belair home, I looked in the phone book and found Lynn's family's phone number and called her.

Lynn answered the phone.

"Lynn, it seems as if you no longer want to be around me. Why? What did I do?" I asked.

Her reply was blunt:

"Jo Ann, you are a nice person, but you have latched on to me and I don't want you bothering me anymore. Find other friends. I'd rather be alone than have you around me." she said.

I remembering hanging up the phone and crying and crying. I never told anyone about what Lynn had said. I wondered what I would do. Not having someone to eat lunch with in junior high meant I could face ridicule.

I had to find other friends, so I joined the lunch time duo of Kim Kitano and Erin Madison. They were really nice to me and laughed because I broke the oily tuna fish sandwich my mother packed in my lunch every day.

I think Kim moved away, but Erin and I continued our lunches together. Erin was the daughter of the famous western movie star Guy Madison, and I remember dropping her off at her fancy house in East Belair. Even though her parents were divorced, her mother still owned a mansion type home.

I was one of the few students at Emerson who did not share a locker and I invited Erin to share my locker with me, but one day I noticed a note written on one of Erin's paper bag book covers that said "Jo Ann Plus Weirdos."

I don't remember what I did to anger her, but I was devastated on another day when Erin's things were removed from my locker. She had moved out. I don't remember Erin speaking to me to again, but many, many years later, via Facebook, we reunited somewhere in 2015 and she even wanted to get together so I think she at least forgot that she was angry at me in junior high!

Fortunately I made other friends after losing Erin because I got accepted into what I call the "semi-cool" crowd in 8th grade when someone in that crowd, Ellen Garris, saw me do a spin on one foot during a public skating session at the Santa Monica ice rink. Ellen was a recreational ice skater and was in awe of my skating. So...my skating made it possible for me to have a group of friends all of a sudden in junior high. I actually began looking forward to going to school when I was part of that semi-cool crowd!

But...all good things come to an end. In 9th grade, that crowd sort of split up; however, one really good friend I made during "my cool crowd" days was Bernadette McEwan. The two of us became very close until I graduated even though Bernadette's mother remarried and Bernadette had to change schools.

High School

My family moved to Arcadia when I was in 10th grade. Bernadette and I exchanged letters for a time when I was in high school, but eventually the letters stopped. I wondered what happened to her.

I remember my mother even drove me to her house in Brentwood and we knocked on her door after my family moved away, and I thought I saw Bernadette looking out of her bedroom window. Maybe her mother would not allow her to answer the door for strangers?

Life went on, but I always wondered what happened to Bernadette. Fortunately, around 2010, I found Bernadette via Facebook and we reunited! Bernadette says we picked up right where we left off. We've gotten together numerous times and I treasure that.

In high school and even during my early part of college, I didn't really have any close friends outside of skating besides my lifelong friend Marion Ennis Curtis. Marion told me once she would stick with me through thick and thin and always has.

College

So besides Marion, I pretty much stayed to myself during those years because skating took up so much of my time, but when I stopped skating and moved on to the Colorado College campus during my senior year, I wanted to make friends wherever I went.

Two of the good friends I made during my senior year at CC were "Eileen" and "James." I am using pseudonyms for their names in this blog post since I know in advance if I mention their names that they won't like it.

Eileen and James once came to see me at my dorm room in Ticknor Hall. I don't remember the name of a girl who lived at the end of the hall, but that girl told me the following when she saw Eileen and James:

"Jo Ann, I don't like Eileen and James. If you are friends with them, I will have nothing to do with you."

Well, I had to make a choice and continued my friendship with Eileen and James.

I made a lot of platonic friendships with guys during that senior year of college. One of my favorite guy friends was a freshman named Nick. Nick was tall with dark curly hair and he was creative and funny and always made me and some of our other friends happy. He made me laugh. He did not get a long with Eileen and James, but tolerated them I recall because he liked being around me. He and James actually may have gotten into some heated arguments.

All of us (Eileen, James, and Nick) were also friends with a red-head names Elaine. I don't think Elaine and I were really close, but I always enjoyed her crazy antics and company. Later in this blog post I will share what happened to Elaine.

There was another freshman that year named Jeff Wolf who may have become my best friend. We were inseparable. Jeff played the guitar and drove this little green car he called the Emerald Flash. He made me laugh. He cheered for me when I received my diploma at the Colorado College graduation.

After I graduated from CC and moved to California, Jeff and I exchanged letters for years. His letters made me so happy and I was happy even before I opened his letters. Later in this blog post I will share more about Jeff's tragic suicide that occurred in 1990.

Shortly After College

After I graduated from Colorado College, I did not want to stay in Colorado Springs, so I moved to Long Beach, California and began my post-college life without skating there. I missed my college friends so much though and wrote letters to Eileen, James, Nick, Elaine, and Jeff and to others including my friend June.

(I must comment here: My friend June, just like Marion, has stuck with me through thick and thin throughout life. That means so much to me.)

Each time I received a reply to one of the letters I wrote during that year after I finished college, I was so, so happy, but sadly, one of the replies from Nick made me sad.

"Jo Ann, we were friends while you were in college, but now you are no longer there and although you were fun to be around then, I don't know what I would say to you now," wrote Nick.

His letter didn't quite say, "Stop bothering me," but it hinted that. I was sad, but of course moved on.

(Note: Over forty years later, via Facebook, Nick and I reconnected. Although it was and is only an online reconnection, I'm glad to be back in touch with him.)

In 1979, I married Dan Farris. Shortly after we were married, Dan and I took a road trip to northern California and contacted Eileen. James had moved to northern California to attend law school, so Eileen's mother and Eileen had sort of made him part of their family. They all had a wonderful time getting to know Dan during that trip.

Eventually, Eileen moved to Long Beach. James would drive down to Long Beach from the Bay area to see all of us. Marion also moved to Long Beach.

It seemed like a lifelong friendship was in the making. We were sort of like the crowd in one of the old TV shows from the late 1980s early 1990s, Thirty Something. James sent us gifts and cards. He remembered birthdays and holidays and anniversaries. He spent Thanksgivings with us. He held a very special place in our heart.

In 1986 or 1987 James got married. Marion, Eileen and Eileen's mom, and Dan and I were at the wedding. Dan was James' best man.

After the wedding, we wrote James and his new wife letters, but did not receive replies. We assumed they were just busy. When Dan and I took a trip to northern California, we called James and his new wife, but did not reach them.

I remember when we drove home to southern California that Dan and I were both puzzled, so I wrote James and his new wife to ask what was going on.

A few weeks later, a reply came that shocked my soul.

The reply came on yellow lined legal paper instead of on the beautiful cards or stationary that usually came from him.

What I read was scribbled on the yellow lined legal paper with what seemed like angry type writing.

"Jo Ann and Dan: Since our marriage, we've made new friends and God is blessing us. We wish you the best, but it is time to break contact."

It was 4 pm in the afternoon when I read those words. I was in shock, but I took the time even though phone rates were high, to call James' home number.

James's wife answered and basically told me that we reminded him of his past and she had hoped our friendship with him would just fade away, but that wasn't happening so that was the reason for James's yellow lined paper shocking note.

You know, Dan and I mourned for years after we lost James. When we moved to San Francisco I felt like I would see his car when we were in the familiar areas he had lived at. I had dreams about reuniting and hugging. I don't think I ever gave up the hope that our friendship would be restored.

When the internet opened up search engines, I looked him up and found an email address to write him. In the early 1990s, I let him know about the birth of my son Joel. I notified him about the births of my other children. I told him about our life in Colorado. We never received any replies, but...

Skipping to 2005 when my husband Dan was in a horrible accident, I sent out numerous emails asking for prayer for Dan's life. It wasn't long after that I heard from James! He said he didn't pray but that my husband was a good man and he hoped he would recover.

During that time of what for me was unreal, hearing from James gave me so much happiness and hope.

We continued corresponding again and in 2012 when I was at the US National Figure Skating Championships in San Jose, James came to see me in person. My dream of a reunion with James came true!

Since then, my husband Dan and I have seen James several times. We never mention the "lost 20 years" and we treasure the friendship we have.

The Atherton House

During the first three years of our marriage, Dan and I shared a house with a bunch of people. It was one of the happiest times in my life. What is so strange is that many of the people we lived with and shared that house with are no longer alive today. Losing so many of the people from the house has affected my life greatly since I thought of people that lived there as family. Below I will share about each of those people.

One of my favorite people in the house was Bill Westmoreland. Bill was creative and kind and loved to cook. He reminded me of my friend Jeff. Bill made me laugh. He loved playing the piano. Bill went on a trip to Europe one of the summers we lived in the house and my husband Dan and I missed him so much. I was just so happy when he returned "home," but he didn't get to stay long since he got kicked out of the house when he came out as being gay. He visited the house a bit after he got kicked out, but things were never the same, but we stayed in touch.

Sadly, Bill was one of the many who died of AIDS. After he told me he was sick, we would talk on the phone or write one another. He died in October of 1994.

Dan and I were close to others in the Atherton House. Ron Muller was a disabled man with no family. We were all he had. Then there was Charlie King, another lonely soul with no family. We heard Ron fell down some steps and died since he could not breathe. I am not sure how Charlie died, but Dan and I were notified that we were listed in his address book and that he was in the Los Angeles County Morgue. There was Curt Davila who was murdered. There was Mark Cordell and also Carl Mehl who died of heart attacks. And there was Brian Liebenstein who died of cancer. Sylvia Mehl was hit by a dump truck when she walked in a cross walk and died instantly. Tim Richardson was not part of the house, but was close to everyone in it and married my husband's cousin Doris; sadly Tim died from of kidney failure.

Every one of the people I have listed above I miss. They did not abruptly tell me they no longer wanted me in their lives as some have, but my heart aches when I think about them.

One of my favorite Atherton House friends was Don Von Fossen. Don and I reunited shortly after my mother passed away right after her funeral which took place in Long Beach in February of 2011. We had a surprise reunion encounter at a drug store and Don helped cheer my grieving father up that day. Getting back in touch with Don gave me and my husband Dan great joy, but suddenly Don decided to break contact with us shortly after he remarried. I took that loss very hard.

Another friend, Marilyn Blevins Sproat, got married at the Atherton House. She always was so cheerful and happy. We reconnected several times when I was visiting Long Beach. I was very sad to hear she passed away in 2017.

The Cult-Like Group Years

In 1977-78, I got involved with a cult-like religious group. After I married my husband Dan in 1979, we volunteered with the group and then in 1982, became official volunteers. The group stated they were not a cult, but functioned like one.

It wasn't until we went on staff in 1988 and became full-time employees of the religious group, did we realize something was "off." The group encouraged us to only make friends within the group and to think of those in the group as our family. That mentality made one dependent on the group. When someone left, they usually were considered outcasts.

In late 1991, Dan and I moved to from San Francisco where the group was based to Colorado Springs; we continued to volunteer with the group, so we weren't totally cut off from the "friends' we made "there." As time passed, we made a new life for ourselves in Colorado and really forgot about the group and the people in it, but around 2000, someone who wanted to leave contacted me via email and shortly after that some of the people we knew from the group reconnected with me.

I was delighted to be connected again with so many people from my past, but some of the connections were not delightful. Eventually, I led a cause to expose the wrongs of the religious group and its practices.

The current executive director's wife and I had been friends because of skating, but when she found out I was leading that cause, told me flat out I was no longer welcome in her life. I took that news very hard since I delighted in her friendship. I just didn't understand why our skating friendship was affected by me connecting with those who had left the group and I missed her.

About two years later, the executive director reached out to me and told me that his wife wished to connect with me again. That news made me so, so happy! But...later I found out her friendship with me was just a love bombing technique to gain information about the "ex-group cause." I felt so stupid.

In 2010, I found out through the "gossip grapevine" that she was getting a divorce. When I reached out to her as a friend, she was so, so angry that I knew about the divorce. Things were never the same, but she did contact me about five years later and we've had some correspondence since then. The thing is, I thought she was my friend, so the pain related to losing her has always caused an ache in me. We really had a nice friendship...or so I thought.

Another person in the group's wife wrote me detailed letters about her life from about 1978 through 1986-87 or so. I was under the impression that they were real letters about her life and family. Her letters gradually stopped coming as time went on and eventually stopped altogether. When I would see her at the organization's events, she acted as if we'd never had a special friendship. I realize now I was only a person on her or her husband's caseload. I felt hurt and tricked. If I saw that person again today I doubt she would have much to say to me and she probably has no memory of how I poured my life out to her in letters.

I learned during that time of connection and fighting the group that the group encouraged those involved to cut off relationships with people that were or are considered trouble. I may be one of the individuals that people were instructed to avoid.

When Facebook became a "thing" and I reconnected with so many who still were involved in the group or once worked for them, I was "unfriended" several times by individuals who had once been involved or who I thought were friends. That attitude of suspicion and lack of trust has affected me greatly in my life.

When I went to Israel in April of 2019, I reconnected with every person I knew that had been associated with the group who now lives in Israel. Every encounter gave me delight and happiness except for one where an individual told me she was too busy to connect and then would not respond when I asked if at least we could talk on the phone. I still am sad about that loss since we had once been close.

More recently, someone from the group told me she needs to disengage from me for a time. I just wish that I could be there for her and tell her what's going on in my life, but she tells me it is not permanent, so I look forward to being in touch with her when she is ready. A friend tells me that her wanting to be friends with me on her terms and in her time is unhealthy, so maybe I should just forget about that "friendship."

I am very sure that I have been deeply hurt from the years I was involved in the group, but also from the aftermath and I've never really gotten over it.

I think about the Carole King song "Now and Forever." The lyrics, "Now and Forever, you are a part of me and the memory cuts like a knife..." "Now and Forever I will always think of you." "Didn't we come together? Didn't we love together? Didn't we play together?" "I miss the day we met and all that followed after." "Now and Forever I will always think of you."

We experienced something together that only can be understood by US. The words from that Carole King song really describe what impact that group had on my life.

Many from this group have told me flat out they don't wish to be in contact with me, but to be fair, others have come back into my life and have given me great delight. I am so glad. I have also been told I may have hurt some who were involved in the group, so I need to accept that things can never again be "the way we were."

Deaths and Suicides and Other Lost Relationships

A year ago, on June 9, 2019, I lost Shelley, a woman I took care of for five years. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. I miss her greatly. It's hard to just not be able to call her and give her the love that I gave her for so long. My Uncle Bobby died on April 17, 2014. He and Shelley had been lifelong companions. I miss Uncle Bobby's sweetness and his wonderful memory.

My mother died on January 29, 2011. There are no words I can use to say how much I miss her. It's hard not to just know she is there.

My mother's first cousin Esther died only a few years ago. At my mother's funeral she told me that I needed to get to know her and every time I was in Long Beach I took the time to see her. I learned to love Esther and miss her so much.

My friend Jeff killed himself right after the Gulf War began. It took me years to get over losing him.

My friend Elaine sort of "fell off the face of the earth" just a few years after college, but showed up again in late 2009. I was so happy to hear from Elaine, but as we talked, I realized she had gone crazy. I think I tried to contact her ex-husband, Dr. Tom Gross, to find out what happened. For a short time, Elaine and I talked on the phone and I may have sent her a letter or two. A friend of mine even went to see Elaine when she was living in a care facility in Boyton Beach, Florida called "A Happier Home." Suddenly, Elaine moved to her parents Fred and Lee Emmer's house in Palm Beach, Florida. I called her parents' phone number once or twice, but was hung up on. That phone number is now disconnected. I have always wondered happened to Elaine and hope she is safe and okay.

For a time, "Eileen," my friend from college that hung around with "James" got involved with a religious cult. There was even a period where her letters to me included pages of scripture written in tiny print and then signed "Love, Eileen." I missed her so much and thought she was lost. Finally, Eileen left the group and we reunited. Wow...that made me so happy. But...way later, I wrote something on the internet that upset Eileen and there were years she didn't speak to me, but eventually she forgave me. Unfortunately, Eileen's mother took much longer to forgive me, but near the end of her life, we resumed contact. I was sad when I sent Eileen's mother a copy of a book I wrote and it was sent back unopened and marked "refused" since Eileen's mother had been very close to me and my husband Dan. Eileen and I have seen one another face to face since and our relationship is restored.

My own sister shut me out for years because her job was so stressful and tiring, but now that she has retired, it is so nice to have her back in my life. I am also glad to have my cousin Loren back in my life after many years of no contact.

Temple Shalom's Rabbi Mel Glazer was dear to many and always took the time to really care about me and my family. He died suddenly and losing him still causes many hearts to ache. He called himself "The Grief Guy" and I have to remind myself it is okay to grieve.

When I wrote my book "My Skating Life" in 2014, a Facebook friend "Unfriended me" when I didn't include her in my book. I felt bad, but I didn't really remember her, so that was why she wasn't included. I wrote her and told her I was sorry. Was it ridiculous for me to care?

Facebook and social media can cause so much happiness, but can also destroy relationships.

A college friend from my sorority wrote me around 2012 and said that she was sick of hearing about my life and my children and told me she was going to unfriend me. She mentioned that if there ever was a sorority Facebook group, she would connect with me there. About five years later, when I was visiting the area she lived in, I contacted her just telling her I was in the area, but no reply. I eventually did start that sorority Facebook group and we connected again, but not really. Did Facebook ruin any relationship we had? The sorority always said we were "sisters for life." What baloney!

Summary and Conclusion

There are others I have not mentioned in this blog post, but when I think of them, for a moment my heart aches. I met recently in May of 2020 with Dr. Ellen "The Mid-Life Whisperer." She helped me see that I love people and want to be there for everyone who comes my way. She helped me realize that I have many people in my life and don't need anyone who does not want me in his or her life. She helped me let go.

Since my meeting with Dr. Ellen, I did a lot of thinking. I realized I remember every single one of my lost relationships, so I decided to write this all out since I know journaling, blogging, and writing helps heal.

I want to thank my friend Marion for sticking with me through thick and thin. The same goes for my friend June. I am so grateful to have developed a real friendship with my friend Rhonda. My friend Maureen remembers everything and I am grateful to you too. I love my dear friend Larisa and cherish her friendship. It's so wonderful to have a friend like Margar that will drop what she is doing to help me. And...Rosie...I love you dearly. Kathie...thank you for alway being so upbeat and fun to be with. Elazar...thank you for taking the time to show me so much of Israel. Efraim: Thank you for taking the time to see me and my daughter and taking us in the hills above Galilee to hike. Steve..that time I had with your family in Tel Aviv...I cherish. Thank you to my cousin Luci for finding me and being there for me when I need you. Thank you to my cousin Cheri for making me and my family feel so welcome in your life. Thank you Joanna for finding me and renewing our friendship. Thank you Marina for reaching out. Thank you Bernice for loving me and my family. Thank you Rabbi Levy for taking the time to see me and my daughter Annabelle when we were in Tel Aviv. Thank you Mary and Lyman for being "like family." Thank you Josh and Gina for coming back into our lives. Tom and Lori: Thank you for your continuing friendship. Thank you Sandy for being back in my life and giving me the chance to teach skating. Thank you Gail for being the best friend and hairdresser ever. Thank you Alice for being so positive and upbeat and being one of the greatest bosses I ever had. Thank you Susan for seeking me after not seeing one another for over 40 years! And...thank you Lisa for believing in me. Thank you Lori for being the coolest boss ever and friend to me and my husband Dan. Thank you Liz for making my visits to the Washington DC area special. And thank you to Lisa R. for having me in your home in NYC. Thank you Paul and Judy for being faithful friends for so many years and being there to see my kids grow up and watching all those skating tests.

There are so many others I have not mentioned whom I care about and thank for being in my life. .I cherish each one of you.

"Now and Forever, I will always think of you!" - Carole King

Jo Ann's Friends

Sunday, May 24, 2020

A Blog Entry About Lost and Restored Friendships