Maureen wants a “break” from me - 2/27/2023

Jo Ann, Dan, and Maureen Weaver at the Tennessee  Pass Nordic Center at Ski Cooper 2/17/2023 - Maureen was quite “happy” since she drank three Tipsy Telemarker drinks before 12 noon!

One of the posts on this Jo Ann’s Friends  blog talks about my friends Maureen Weaver.  

• Maureen Is One of the Most Caring People I Know!

I posted that Maureen was and is one of the most caring people I have ever known, but it seems like she has decided that I have texted her too many photos and needs a long break from me.  For me, I don’t believe it is just a break, so I wrote Maureen the following text today in response to a text that basically said “leave me alone!”:

Here’s what she texted me:

“Something is wrong 😑 w your pics! I ask you don’t send so many it fills up the cache in my inbox.  Well in the future no more 13 pics in cloud.. 

wayyyyyyyy too much..”   2/18/2023 Saturday

I sent Maureen some happy and routine texts (no photos) during the week that followed and received this the following Monday:

“Joann I need a break from all your photos and such.. 

please don’t text my husband Jim either.. 

You simply don’t get it. I have done good in  all I can. However it’s Good to take a big break because this is not going well.

Leave me be”  2/27/2023 Monday

And here is my final reply:

“Ok….I re-read your text.  I understand.  I won’t text or call you or send photos anymore.  Please at least read my thank you card that I wrote yesterday when it arrives since I put a lot of love into it.  I was just so thankful for what you did for me.  It would hurt terribly if you don’t accept it or read it.  I will always remember you and thank God for what we once had.  Sending love.💝 Bye.”  2/27/2023 Monday

Although it sounds ridiculous that someone wants to break off a friendship because I sent her too many photos and texts, hearing this hurt me so much since I haven’t done anything but be myself and wanted to share my joy of life with Maureen.

Maybe the reason I hurt and care is “way back when,” going back to elementary school and junior high, it hurt when a friend didn’t want to be my friend anymore.   Then, I also had a friend who cut me off for 20 years, but we eventually reconciled.   I described that pain in the blog post below:

• A Blog Entry About Lost and Restored Friendships

The thing is that Maureen has done so many nice things for me.  

She has invited me to ski with her more than once and even paid for part of my ticket once.  She has met us at the lake and gone kayaking with us.  She has taken me out to dinner.  She has invited me and my family into her home.  She reaches out and gives us gifts.  She made me a beautiful Sun Valley wall hanging rack for my birthday.

Look at the beautiful gift Maureen made me!

She tells us about wonderful things to do and places to go. She was so supportive when my father died and when I had struggles after his death.  She seemed like she genuinely cared.  

Maureen sent me a lot of photos too and I thought she wanted to see my photos.  I guess she didn’t, but I didn’t know.  

A few years ago, Maureen “unfriended me” on Facebook because I didn’t “Like” most of her posts.  I tried to explain I couldn’t see her posts, but she didn’t believe me.  After I sent her a card telling her I was sorry, we shared ours lives via phone, text, and in person but not on Facebook, but now it seems that I did something that made her mad by sharing my life with her.  

It really is sad for me to lose Maureen.  I will move on, but I will never forget this.

——————————

Update:  I received the emails below from Maureen on 3/25/2023:

In my opinion it is SO MEAN.  And it hurts a lot.  I know you needed a break from me too.  I do enjoy my friendships I admit, but to be told this is writing is so hard.  It reminds me of when I was in junior high school and a friend told me she’d rather have no friends than be friends with me.

--------

"JoAnn,

First I'm so sorry for Dan's loss for his mother. I'm sending my condolences 💐

Taking a break has been so good for my attitude.

What triggered the break was TOO many photos (extremely too many)! I told you that.

Wow. I had to wait over a month to get rid of that cloud of pictures because it was doing that "loading" symbol. 13 pics is too many in your message post. One is fine: in fact none is better as well. Even today you just don't get it. I know told you many times I don't like taking photos or I just don't send any. That is a deep contrast to what you do. Would people read your blogspot if you posted 13 pics of the same? No, so you don't do it.

It's not It's always about you. It is my interpretation of your need to be acknowledged at all times. I cannot be a friend to that level of selfishness. Too many selfies, stops to take photos, in my personal perspective… it's outrageous.

Like telling a little toddler to cease.

It was about time to stop it all. I cannot be bound to acknowledge all photos you send. Nor should you be contacting Jim. You were like having a panic attack in that text to him. He is my husband, and doesn't really need to get involved in this. I said, I need a break: I really needed one!

I do many things outside your circle. I'm in charge of a ministry and love it very much. It takes a lot of giving, listening, encouraging, and caring as well as setting aside time to do it. It is the opposite of me centered and it is God-centered. Seeing people living without means humbles me to my core. It removes the self and God gives me awareness and humility serving others.

These are people I don't even know or just met that day.

I been doing that ministry since September. However to talk in that way would be bragging, so I don't.

Many other things have gone on, but it is unnecessarily trivial to chat 💬 about.

If this is a friendship it seems that the scales are off balance. You are constantly interrupting my speech or retelling an event I heard already heard about to keep the center on you. It's not cool 😎 JoAnn.

My advice to you is get some assistance on handling friendship fitness. Thanks for letting me take a break. Maureen 😇"

My reply which I wrote on 4/7/2023 and have not yet decided to send:

Dear Maureen

April 7, 2023

I am writing this on my plane back from the UK to the USA.  Also today Dan and I celebrate 44 years of marriage.  

The time in the UK and also in Ireland was wonderful and yes, I wish I could have shared with you about Ireland since you would have had so much to tell me about it.  I thought of you a lot while we were in Ireland.

I am responding to the things you said in the email you sent me two weeks ago when I was with Annabelle and Rebekah in Scotland.  It was very upsetting for me to read that email.

Maureen, I have not once ever said anything mean to you, but you have said mean, cruel, judgemental and insulting things to me many times.  

I am not sure why I ever wanted you as a friend even though I was advised not to interact with you.  I’ve always tried to be friends with people who others don’t want to be friends with since I believe there is good in everyone and I believe every person needs a fair chance.

I’ve thought about why I wanted to be friends with you quite a bit.  The reason I allowed you to be part of my life was you wanted to be a part of it.  Now, for a time, you have decided to not do that.

The thing is, when the time comes that you’d want to be a part of my life again, why would I want to allow you in since the things you have said to me hurt?  You have caused pain to my being and soul.  I have laid awake in bed at night thinking about this.  

You said I was frantic in the text I sent Jim.  That is not true.  I was concerned about you since I hadn’t heard from you.

I’ve thought quite a bit since why have I wanted to be your friend and I’ve listed some of the things below on why I enjoyed and continued your friendship:

• You seemed to care about me and my family and were so supportive.
• We have a mutual love of skiing and kayaking and just enjoying the mountains and outdoors.  I enjoyed so much sharing the joy of doing those things with you!
• You gave me wonderful suggestions on things to do, places to go, and even where to park at DIA.
• You did nice things for me. (Should I have not accepted your gifts and sweet gestures like when you paid for the remainder of my Ski Cooper lift ticket or when you drove me to Loveland and took me out to dinner afterwards?  I treasure the beautiful wall hanging you made for my birthday to hang in Sun Valley.  I was and am still so grateful for you doing those things.)
• You hosted me and Annabelle in Dallas and were such a wonderful hostess!
• You supported all I went through after my father’s death.
• You even cared if I drove safely from Idaho to Colorado.
• You didn’t pry into my religious past or you accepted the way I follow God…

There are so many other things I could list and what I have listed means I believe you were a true and special friend.

I need to tell you now that when you unfriended me on Facebook before the COVID lockdown just because I didn’t like enough of your posts it hurt so much.  I should have just given up on any friendship or interaction with you then, but I didn’t because of some of the reasons listed above.  

I tried to explain then that I couldn’t see your Facebook posts, but you didn’t seem to believe me or understand.  There is a setting on Facebook where certain people don’t see posts and you may have set that by accident that must have been why I couldn’t see them.

I was just so glad we could continue being friends outside of Facebook.

When you told me about all the fun things you and Jim were doing together and when you sent photos, I was so glad for you.  I was so happy that you have Cece back in your lives.  

I tried hard to respond to every text you sent.  You were sharing happy photos and news and I responded with my photos and news.  I had no idea that you did not want me to respond with photos too.

This recent occurrence of you wanting a “break” from me because of too many photos being texted to you has affected me greatly.  I had no idea until you emailed me that you didn’t like receiving my photos.

The things you said in your last email to me were cruel.  You may have not meant to hurt me in that email, but you did.

You seem to think I don’t care about the things you do or about your laundry ministry to the poor though.  You pretty much told me I’m all about me.  That is not true.  I care about all my friends and what they are doing.  Sharing the things I do that make me happy and sharing photos of me being happy is my way of coping with the sad things that have happened in my life.  I feel sharing “happy thoughts” can give others happiness.   The cards I send are to let others know I care.  If a friend needed my help, I would drop everything to help them.

However….

I have always had trouble listening and keeping track of what others say.  For my whole life, I’ve asked for people to repeat things they say over and over and I also forget what they have said and who I’ve told stories about my life to.  That is why I write things down in blogs. 

I try hard not to interrupt others, but my mind listens and moves on while someone is talking.  That does not mean I’m not listening to them.  My son Joel has the same issues. 

Anyway, I’ve written this out now and I don’t expect a reply, but I feel it is necessary for me to reply since I needed to.

JO ANN

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UPDATE 12/12/23

On Thursday 12/7/23, I heard from Maureen.  She called me.  I was so happy she called.

The next morning I wrote her an email asking questions about our call since I couldn’t remember all the details.  

Here’s the email I sent Maureen:

Sorry to bother you, but wow, you have been through a lot and I kept thinking about you.  

My mind didn’t absorb all the things you shared and I want to make sure I remember all you told me yesterday correctly.  

When was the move?  Was it between the time you got hurt on April 7 and the surgery on August 15 or after or before?   

It must have been so hard to move.  We moved all our things that had been stored in a storage place in Larkspur to our house in October and that was overwhelming enough, but wow, you moved from one home to another!  That is huge.

Also, I looked on Google Maps and I see where Charis Bible College is located.   Where is your new home in relation to there?  It sounded nice from what you described.  How many houses again?  I was trying to picture it.

Did you say Cece worked at a coffee house in Black Forest but is about start a full time job?  I apologize for not asking about her job.  What will she be doing?  Did she move when you moved, or earlier?  Where does she live in Black Forest?  It is so beautiful there.

Also, you told me the name of the ski area you got hurt at, but now, I can’t remember the name of it.  I wanted to look it up on Google Maps.  

I looked up ACL injuries on Google and it sounds so serious. I hope you continue to heal.  

Glad you enjoy watching old movies.  I watch them too.  It is getting to be two year anniversary since my dad’s death and I’ve been going through so much sadness and depression, but movies help.  I watched a good one last night on Netflix.  I still remember skiing with you in Ski Cooper right after he died.  Thank you again for inviting me to Ski Cooper and on the other ski trips and to the lake too.

Please don’t feel that you need to answer all my questions right away…I just want to get the details right.  

Have a good day and thank you again for your call.

JO ANN

NO RESPONSE, so I sent her “thinking of you texts.”

I also sent her a get well card on Friday, December 8, 2023:

Today 12/12/23, at 2 pm, I received the email below from Maureen:

“From: Maureen Weaver padre2cool@gmail.com

Dear JoAnn,

I’m replying to your email because I think it’s time to set boundaries.

Ideally, I would like to hear from you on occasion. I would not like photos, or lots of questions about where I live, or daily texts of what you did, or snow activities etc. 

I know a big investment in your life is your kids and husband, keep it that way. Regarding your father’s passing that should be kept within the family. You have plenty of people in your circle to keep it personal. 

I have been doing a good job of taking care of myself.  My health, and my physical condition, my family, and friends all are doing great 😊 

Stay positive…. Ok 👍 

Thanks!”

Here’s my reply:

OK…

When I was in 7th Grade a friend told me she no longer wanted my friendship.  

I understand now that you mean the same thing.

If you change your mind, let me know.

Btw…a Get Well card was mailed to you last Friday.  If I had known you didn’t want get well wishes I would not have taken the time to buy the card, write a caring message, or mail it to you.

I will always remember the friendship I had with you since I really enjoyed your friendship.

Btw…this hurts a lot.

Jo Ann 

————

On Friday morning 12/15/23, I sent Maureen this one last email:

Subject:  Boundaries - 2nd Reply

9:18 am December 15, 2023

I guess we can communicate on occasion.

I’ve been so upset since your last email and I can’t stop thinking about it.  (Long ago, I was advised by several people in skating to not be friends with you since I was told you might hurt me and their predictions came true, but I still wanted and want to be your friend.)

I’ve listed some of the things below that are the good things that came out of me allowing you in my life.

• You seemed to care about me and my family and were so supportive.
• We have a mutual love of skiing and kayaking and just enjoying the mountains and outdoors.  I enjoyed so much sharing the joy of doing those things with you and hearing about your adventures and travels.
• You gave me wonderful suggestions on things to do, places to go, and even where to park at DIA.
• You did nice things for me. (Should I have not accepted your gifts and sweet gestures like when you paid for the remainder of my Ski Cooper lift ticket or when you drove me to Loveland and took me out to dinner afterwards?  I treasure the beautiful wall hanging you made for my birthday to hang in Sun Valley.  I was and am still so grateful for you doing those things.)
• You hosted me and Annabelle in Dallas and were such a wonderful hostess!
• You supported all I went through after my father’s death.
• You cared if I drove safely from Idaho to Colorado.
• You didn’t pry into my religious past and you accepted the way I follow God…
• Over time, our friendship evolved and we created a lot of memories together.  For example, it was wonderful that you and Jim came to visit us in Sun Valley!
• Skating was how we met but we were friends outside of skating.

There are so many other things I could list and what I have listed means I believe you were a true and special friend.   Thank you.